Why am I sharing my previous chatmates? Because they were not just random chatmates. They played a significant role on how I am right now. Because of them, I learned.
“What goes around comes around.”
Previously, I posted about Ricky. How I badly hurt him. This time, let me share you my retribution for hurting him. When I started my blog or LDR diary years ago, I was about to share this but I don’t have the courage to because the wound is too deep. It hurts me to reminisce the past. But here it goes.
So the story is, when I was struggling with my feelings to Ricky i signed in to Filipinocupid site where I met Di. He is from USA.
We were only friends when I decided to end my relationship with Ricky.
Di was only a year older than me. He got his back injured pretty bad. That is why he was on a therapy and not working at the moment. He said, he decided to join online dating and find a Filipina partner to spend his life with. He got enough savings to start a business. He already has a house and a car. I thought he was ready to settle down anytime.
Di is good looking. Ryan Gosling look a like to be honest. He was understanding, sweet and honest about his past. (Not gonna talk about it further). Who wouldn’t fall for that.
We video call a lot. Chatted a lot. My daily routine was like, house, work and him. Whenever or wherever, we communicated.
Because I was stupid and stubborn. We tend to have misunderstanding sometimes. After months of dating, because I was too in loved, I decided to send him a package.
Yes. A package to USA.
I sent him a couple shirt, letters, treats and I can’t remember now what else. I spent much for that because I was in loved.
He never sent me anything back but it was okay. Because I was in loved.
I never felt anything like this. It was different from Simon or Ricky. It’s deeper. May be because I thought he was the one. May be I expected he saw me as the one as well.
I was with him, virtually, when he was on therapy, about life issues and supported him to start a business. I gave him all the support I could give.
I can’t recall now the reason but we had this huge misunderstanding that out of anger i said mean things that he couldn’t forget. We know that angry people tend to say things they never mean to. We were like on and off after months of dating and if we fought, we often brought our previous fight and the ugly words we said. It became unhealthy because why can’t he moved on from those mean words I said.
If only we broke up after our huge misunderstanding. If only then i wouldn’t be broken into pieces.
Sometimes, I was the one who message back to reconcile. Sometimes he messaged me.
Little did I know that during our misunderstanding and on and off fight online, he went out with his friends without telling me.
I felt betrayed. I told him everything that is happening to me but him? It’s just so unfair.
Then one day, my day was good and we were not fighting recently. He messaged me. It was a huge bomb to me like I was stunned for a moment.
He sent me a photo of him with this Filipina girl sitting on his lap. I can only asked him. Why and how. He told me that when we were fighting before, his friends invited him to go out for a drink. His friends brought girls on that night out. Mostly Filipina. Where he met her. After that, they went out a lot.
Imagine reading this made my heart explode. As I am writing now, I still cried how a person hurt me like this. It was not because I still loved him. No. I don’t love him anymore. It’s the pain of betrayal and what happened to me after this was unforgettable.
I was innocent. I loved him more than I could. I tried my best to make him feel that i was true to him. But what did I get in the end.
He blocked me. Honestly I still messaged him after that. I was willing to be his friend. Call me a masochist but I still can’t let go. But we rarely chatted and it was more civil.
I decided to join other dating app. I decided to move on and find my own happiness. While moving on, I became wasted. Few people knew this but I am sharing this now, I was almost raped. It was my fault. I was too broken that I became wasted. I was drunk. Because I’m in too much pain.
It affected my life. I could barely eat or sleep. I couldn’t focus on my job. I told my supervisor what happened and I know she felt sorry for me.
I woke up one day and realize it can’t go on like this. I had to fight this depression. I had to endure this pain. I had to find myself back to normal.
However, I received an email from him. Why now? I was about to move on but he messaged again. Why now?
He asked how am I. Lol should I let him know? I asked how he was then he told me about his Filipina girlfriend. He said she was materialistic. He told me things about her. I thought that he was about to get rid of her because of the things he found out. That she was previously married with 2 kids. She was older than him for couple of years. But I was wrong.
He just wanted to tell me because it’s convenient. He told me again he still loves me. He didn’t know how he hurts me again and again. I was a fool to accept him and believe him.
Out of anger, I found the girl’s Facebook account. I message whoever on her list. Yes. I did those things before because I was mad and in pain. I know it was wrong but can you blame me?
I received an email from someone but i knew it was her. Told me that I was a gold digger and told me mean things.
I’m telling you here now. Di didn’t give me or send me money or anything. It was all me doing all the work to make this relationship works. Those words I messaged to her family and friends also came from Di.
Imagine I cried every midnight because I was in pain. I had no one to talk to that will understand my struggles.
I still have the conversation history. I never deleted anything but for privacy purposes I won’t show it here.
Right now, they are married. From the bottom of my heart, I am happy for them. D knows my wish. If he replace me, she better keep him. Take good care of him and won’t hurt him. I told him that. Even though he doesn’t trust me. But I meant those words.
I want him to find someone better. Someone who will love him more than I did.
If someday they will read this. Hope they will forgive me because i already forgiven them. But the pain is still there. Because no one can replace or erase those bad things that happened to me. I already moved on and happy now.
I share this story because I want the people know that retribution is real. Karma is real. What I did to Ricky happened to me.
I learned my lesson.
Never hurt someone because karma is real.
Never date anyone unless you are ready.
If you are angry, calm yourself first otherwise you will say things you never meant to and because it is chat it is documented.
Never involve friends or family with your anger because I know it wasn’t right.
Be honest with your feelings and tell the truth as much as possible.
Love as much as you can so that you will never regret if anything goes wrong.
For this relationship, I never regret giving all the love that I have. At least, I never regret loving less. My only regret is I should move on totally even if he messaged me after that. Ignored him. But it’s all the in the past now. One thing is for sure, this is the truth and not one sided. We never even meet. lol
My heart was broken into pieces but it is whole again now. However, the crack will always be there.
I know that one day they will saw this blog. They may see my LDR Facebook, but just to let them know, as of this writing, this is merely for sharing. I am happy with my love right now and looking forward to our future together.
Trust that an ending is always followed by a new beginning.
Angel & Shaun 